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I’ve Been Standing Here With You

Marriage Matters 2 Me

“I’ve Been Standing Here With You” is from the broadway play and movie titled “Fences”.

It is the most impactful scene of the movie for me because it reminds me of how much women go through because of the love they have for the man they are with.

No one likes to be in a relationship and end up feeling like they have wasted their time in that relationship with that person.

Standing with a person means that they are investing every fiber of their being into that person and their relationship. This is just like every bit of being pregnant with a physical child. When the relationship deteriorates and ends on a bad note, it is like her giving birth to a still born baby; postpartum blues overcasts her life with no sun in sight.

Such things happen when communication is limited and the woman accepts whatever the man gives her with the hopes that he will someday become the man she sees in him.

It is irresponsible for a man to build a woman’s hope up only to let her down because he holds things in. It is worse when the things he holds in are shared with another woman, when she is “standing with him”; he denies his woman the opprtunity to be there for him.

How does a relationship end up this way?

Relationship may end up this way because of a lack of communication. Although one may not communicate their expectation, their expectation still exists. A person will still act out when their undisclosed expectation isn’t met.

What can be done to help solve this?

Talking to each other is absolutely essential to a healthy relationship, how else may know what is going in your mind and life. How may one know what you need and how to be there for you?

One of the biggest cancer to a healthy relationship is FEAR! The fears of hurts from past relationships reveals that one is holding onto the pain of the past and not embracing the relationship they’re in now.

When one or both people in a relationship start holding things in, they are backing out of the relationship (one foot in and one foot out). 50/50 relationships only have half of a committment. If both people are keeping it 100, then they have 200 together. The irony is being in a realtionship in which you only give half of yourself to.

The question is how long will you continue accpeting half of a committment in your relationship? Why are you upset with that person, when it is what you have been accepting?

I know what it is like to be with a person because of the “potential” they have, and married that woman. That experience help tto see more of what a woman goes through in her relationship with a man she is in love with.

i do not know what you are going to do in your current relationship.

What i do know is that if you both cannot confide in each othe with open, honest communication, then what you think you have, hope to have, and dream of having is not aligned.

If you do not come to grips with yourself in this current relationship, then you are going to repeat it in the next relationship.

There is one person that is common and have been present in all of your relationships – YOU!

All hope is not lost, and it is only to late when you believe it is.

It is possible to take adversity and use it like weights to build a strong healthy relationship. The difference between what is possible and reality is your action.

Now that you have read this, share it with your partner. Read it together, and communicate.

Additional Resource: Adversity is a Dumbbell

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Solving Relationship Problems

Resolving Marital Issues

Solving relationship issues have become a bigger problem than it ever has been in the past.

Marital Cancer

There are all kinds of answers from all kinds of people in all kinds of places all over the world in all languages. It can eventually become so overwhelming that one begins to agree with Psychology Today, “Stop Trying to Solve Your Relationship Problems” their title to an article published 1/23/14. This title is like telling a person that if you have stomach problems and have an acident in your underwear, then you don’t have wash up or anything until it becomes unbearable to smell.

Although relationship problems don’t smell like crap, they can defenitely make one feel like crap behind all the smiles, high fives, hugs, etc. How many many people told themselves they wanted to get into a relationship in order to feel like crap?

One last thing, how many times can you sweep something under the rug before it is easily apparent that you’re hiding something? The person who sweeps always knows what they swept under the rug; eats away at them constantly.

 

I found another article “10 Signs of Relationship Trouble”, that brings the realization to mind that if i am on the internet searching on relationships, then that is a sign of my having having an issue. Does it really take a person all 10 signs in order to know their relationship is in trouble?

Let say i give you an hour to spend on your relationship, do you spend most of the hour on the problem or on the solution?

 

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“What is the Likelihood of Breaking Up?” 

Break ups occur at the point when one has decided that they have had enough. The difference is in how the other person finds out. The worse case scenario is when one finds out the other person has left them through someone else.

While some may consider this as having wasted their time, it is only because they do not know how to use the data this heartache is providing them.

One of the earliest responses is that they promise them self they will not allow this to happen to them again; some might describe this as a wake up call.

 

Business or Work may disrupt the home.

There are two sides to this:

  1. Work can be used to escape from home; or
  2. Home can disrupt work.

 

One person has multiple relationships within which they fill separate distinct roles. However, they all impact each at the level of having a common denominator – the individual. Anything that happens at work has a ripple effect in all the other relationships of the individual, including the individual’s confidence, esteem, self-talk, perspective, and so on.

 

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Captured

Immobilized by Fear

I have you just where i want you.

Immobilized by Fear

Being stalked, haunted or hunted by those things we would rather not think about.

The Situation

There’s a a married couple in their mid to late twenties.

Both of them work full time jobs, and in the first trimester of her pregnancy.

She has an appoint to have a sonogram since she has been having some unexplained abdominal pain. The appoint is at three in the afternoon. His plan was to go into work early, work through lunch, and to leave early to make it on time for their appointment.

Well, she’s on her way home and worried about what has happened to her husband. He wasn’t at the doctor appointment, he didn’t call, wasn’t at his job, and wasn’t answering his cellphone either. She calls every hospital in town, and he isn’t at any of them.

It’s seven thirty that night when he walks in the door of their home. She’s having a cow, and he’s silent as a lamb. He’s not responding to anything she says, none of his usual buttons are working. They both end up in bed with their backs to each other on opposite edges of the bed, worlds apart.

 

Behind the Scene

The husband was an only child of a single mother. His mother worked two to three jobs, so that they would not be on welfare.

He had one step-dad during his adolescence who was a vietnam veteran, alcoholic and beat his mother like she was a slave in 1815. His love for his mother resulted in his promising himself that he would never do that to women.

He never had the opportunity to be a son, and doesn’t know what a dad or Father looks like, talks like, smells like, acts like or anything else.

He has dreamed about having the opportunity to be the dad to his child that he never had. Except, as the birth draws closer the more doubt and fear he has about himself being a good dad because he has nothing to go by.

His wife is aware that he was raised by a single mother, and nothing else.

The husband was fine when he left for work. It was around one o’clock in the afternoon when everything cam crashing down on him. He couldn’t stay focused, and feeling like the walls were closing in on him. He drives for hours, and finds himself in the parking lot of a bar staring at the door. Although he realizes that he cannot drink his fears away, he sits there until he eventually falls asleep. He is awakened by someone going into the bar who stops to make sure he is okay. He looks at his watch and sees that it is six thirty in the evening and heads home.

On the drive home he thinks about whether or not he can be a dad. He considers the option of leaving his wife because he doesn’t want to be bad father. His mind is filled with all kinds of doubts and fears as he tries to figure out what he’s going to do.

He walks into the house and hears his wife say something, but can’t really make out what she’s saying. Now on top of everything else he is now debating within himself whether or not to tell her what happened and is still going on in his mind. He knows she is having a cow about all this.

Just when he has mustered up some courage to tell her about what all is going on, the thought enters his mind that she will think of him as less than a man. He says nothing, doesn’t eat, prepares for bed, and sleeps on the edge of his side of the bed.

 

We are taken captive by our thoughts, doubts, fears, and closed mouths.

 

Remembering the past as a measuring device of any kind paralyzes the present, while immobilizing our future (a circle/cycle).

As males we often console ourselves with “i can handle it” or “it will work itself out”. As we repeat this to ourselves we continue to keep it to ourselves.

The problem is that our silence about this denies the fulfillment we seek with the woman we are in love with.

Our silence is considered the mark of our being a man, our fear of being less than a man in her eyes, and withholding that part of ourselves from her.

Our silence allows her emotions to runaway with her imagination blindly leading it in all directions until something takes. This ignites and revives her own fears upon which she begins to act.

 

Release the Hostages

Communication is the key to releasing ourselves from the captivity of our individual thoughts, doubts, and fears. Being set free from these things also exonerates all of our relationships, especially marriage.

 

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This is the secret of every male:

  • there is something we cannot figure out;
  • we want to figure this out before we talk about it;
  • this thing we won’t talk about is somehow tied into the selof image/esteem;
  • fear of being seen as less a man;
  • afraid you may leave/abandon/reject us;
  • uncertain of ourselves;
  • do not want to let you down;
  • desire to be the man you always dreamed of; and
  • desire to be the only man you ever love.

 

Males want the same kind of long lasting love that women want. The same love that women dream of, men contemplate.

 

Communication is the bridge that connects two shores, despite the current of water that flows between them.

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