There are all kinds of answers from all kinds of people in all kinds of places all over the world in all languages. It can eventually become so overwhelming that one begins to agree with Psychology Today, “Stop Trying to Solve Your Relationship Problems” their title to an article published 1/23/14. This title is like telling a person that if you have stomach problems and have an acident in your underwear, then you don’t have wash up or anything until it becomes unbearable to smell.
Although relationship problems don’t smell like crap, they can defenitely make one feel like crap behind all the smiles, high fives, hugs, etc. How many many people told themselves they wanted to get into a relationship in order to feel like crap?
One last thing, how many times can you sweep something under the rug before it is easily apparent that you’re hiding something? The person who sweeps always knows what they swept under the rug; eats away at them constantly.
I found another article “10 Signs of Relationship Trouble”, that brings the realization to mind that if i am on the internet searching on relationships, then that is a sign of my having having an issue. Does it really take a person all 10 signs in order to know their relationship is in trouble?
Let say i give you an hour to spend on your relationship, do you spend most of the hour on the problem or on the solution?
Break ups occur at the point when one has decided that they have had enough. The difference is in how the other person finds out. The worse case scenario is when one finds out the other person has left them through someone else.
While some may consider this as having wasted their time, it is only because they do not know how to use the data this heartache is providing them.
One of the earliest responses is that they promise them self they will not allow this to happen to them again; some might describe this as a wake up call.
There are two sides to this:
One person has multiple relationships within which they fill separate distinct roles. However, they all impact each at the level of having a common denominator – the individual. Anything that happens at work has a ripple effect in all the other relationships of the individual, including the individual’s confidence, esteem, self-talk, perspective, and so on.
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There’s a a married couple in their mid to late twenties.
Both of them work full time jobs, and in the first trimester of her pregnancy.
She has an appoint to have a sonogram since she has been having some unexplained abdominal pain. The appoint is at three in the afternoon. His plan was to go into work early, work through lunch, and to leave early to make it on time for their appointment.
Well, she’s on her way home and worried about what has happened to her husband. He wasn’t at the doctor appointment, he didn’t call, wasn’t at his job, and wasn’t answering his cellphone either. She calls every hospital in town, and he isn’t at any of them.
It’s seven thirty that night when he walks in the door of their home. She’s having a cow, and he’s silent as a lamb. He’s not responding to anything she says, none of his usual buttons are working. They both end up in bed with their backs to each other on opposite edges of the bed, worlds apart.
The husband was an only child of a single mother. His mother worked two to three jobs, so that they would not be on welfare.
He had one step-dad during his adolescence who was a vietnam veteran, alcoholic and beat his mother like she was a slave in 1815. His love for his mother resulted in his promising himself that he would never do that to women.
He never had the opportunity to be a son, and doesn’t know what a dad or Father looks like, talks like, smells like, acts like or anything else.
He has dreamed about having the opportunity to be the dad to his child that he never had. Except, as the birth draws closer the more doubt and fear he has about himself being a good dad because he has nothing to go by.
His wife is aware that he was raised by a single mother, and nothing else.
The husband was fine when he left for work. It was around one o’clock in the afternoon when everything cam crashing down on him. He couldn’t stay focused, and feeling like the walls were closing in on him. He drives for hours, and finds himself in the parking lot of a bar staring at the door. Although he realizes that he cannot drink his fears away, he sits there until he eventually falls asleep. He is awakened by someone going into the bar who stops to make sure he is okay. He looks at his watch and sees that it is six thirty in the evening and heads home.
On the drive home he thinks about whether or not he can be a dad. He considers the option of leaving his wife because he doesn’t want to be bad father. His mind is filled with all kinds of doubts and fears as he tries to figure out what he’s going to do.
He walks into the house and hears his wife say something, but can’t really make out what she’s saying. Now on top of everything else he is now debating within himself whether or not to tell her what happened and is still going on in his mind. He knows she is having a cow about all this.
Just when he has mustered up some courage to tell her about what all is going on, the thought enters his mind that she will think of him as less than a man. He says nothing, doesn’t eat, prepares for bed, and sleeps on the edge of his side of the bed.
Remembering the past as a measuring device of any kind paralyzes the present, while immobilizing our future (a circle/cycle).
As males we often console ourselves with “i can handle it” or “it will work itself out”. As we repeat this to ourselves we continue to keep it to ourselves.
The problem is that our silence about this denies the fulfillment we seek with the woman we are in love with.
Our silence is considered the mark of our being a man, our fear of being less than a man in her eyes, and withholding that part of ourselves from her.
Our silence allows her emotions to runaway with her imagination blindly leading it in all directions until something takes. This ignites and revives her own fears upon which she begins to act.
Communication is the key to releasing ourselves from the captivity of our individual thoughts, doubts, and fears. Being set free from these things also exonerates all of our relationships, especially marriage.
This is the secret of every male:
Males want the same kind of long lasting love that women want. The same love that women dream of, men contemplate.
Communication is the bridge that connects two shores, despite the current of water that flows between them.
Originally published in 1988, Getting the Love You Want has helped millions of couples attain more loving, supportive, and deeply satisfying relationships. The 20th anniversary edition contains extensive revisions to this groundbreaking book, with a new chapter, new exercises, and a foreword detailing Dr. Hendrix’s updated philosophy for eliminating allnegativity from couples’ daily interactions, allowing readers of the 2008 edition to benefit from his ongoing discoveries during his last two decades of work.
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., in partnership with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD., originated Imago Relationship Therapy, a unique healing process for couples, prospective couples, and parents. Together they have more than thirty years’ experience as educators and therapists and their work has been translated into more than 50 languages, with Imago practiced by two thousand therapists worldwide. Harville and Helen have six children and live in New York and New Mexico.
A companion workbook to the enormously successful New York Times bestselling relationship book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
In 1988, Harville Hendrix in partnership with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, published a terrifically successful relationship guide, Getting the Love You Want. The book introduced thousands to their Imago Relationship Therapy, a unique healing process for couples, prospective couples, and parents, and developed into an overnight sensation. For their part, Doctors Hendrix and Hunt managed to aid scores of couples in their plight for more loving, supportive, and deeply satisfying relationships. Now, more than a decade later, this companion book picks up where its predecessor left off, delving further into relationship therapy once again, to help transform relationships into lasting sources of love and companionship.
The Getting the Love You Want Workbook is designed for the hundreds of thousands of couples who have attended Imago workshops since Getting the Love You Want hit bookstands, as well as new and curious ones seeking a practical route back to intimacy and passionate friendship. The workbook contains a unique twelve-week course (The New Couples' Study Guide) designed to help work through the exercises published in Part III of Getting the Love You Want. Included are complete step-by-step instructions for transforming relationships into a lasting source of love and companionship.
For those of us struggling to maintain our most precious relationships, the Getting the Love You Want Workbook helps us grow aware of our individual, unconscious agenda while steering us towards a more harmonious link with our loved ones that will satisfy our deepest needs.
Imago is a Couple s Therapy that helps married/committed partners use their relationship to help each other co-heal childhood wounds and grow into their full potential. Here are just a few of many pertinent relationship issues that Harville will address:
-Why do we fall in love with the people that we do?
-What core issues do all couples face?
-How do you transform destructive conflict into creative tension?
-How do you work with the difficult couple?
-Is it ever too late to save a marriage?
-How do you help couples move from ineffective communicating to deep dialogue and restore connection and wholeness?
This seminar recording will introduce the basic theory and therapeutic processes of Imago Relationship Therapy and demonstrate its application to conflicted couples in committed partnerships. Attention will also be given to the implications of the relational paradigm for all forms of therapy.
-Describe the key difference between the relationship paradigm and the individual paradigm
-Demonstrate the Imago Dialogue Process
-Describe the difference between the role of an Imago therapist and a traditional therapist
-Discuss the concept of the Imago and the role it plays in partner selection
-Explain the outcomes of Dialogue
-Reframe the Power Struggle as growth trying to happen
Imago Relationship Therapy
-The Origins and Synthesis
-Relational vs. Individual Paradigms
-Why couples fight
The Goal of Therapy
-Monologue vs. Dialogue
-First Step: Mirroring
-Outcomes of Dialogue
Imago Workup (Written) Theory and Therapy of Couplehood
-Dyadic Structure of Nature
-Original vs. Actual Self
-Adaptations of Intrusion and Neglect
The Formation of the Imago & The Selection Process
-Three Steps (Mirroring, Validating, Empathizing)
-Flow of Felt Meaning
-Maintaining Empathy (Still Face Video)
Demonstration & Practice
-The New Role as Therapist
-Your Role as Therapist as Global Healer
CONTINUING EDUCATION INFORMATION:
Continuing Education Credits available for the following professions:
-Marriage and Family Therapists
-Nurses/Nurse Practitioners/Clinical Nurse Specialists
It was never my intention to chain myself up!
Once upon a time when i was married, i made a decision without talking to my wife about it first.
As a child i was taught that the husband is to be the main provider for his family. I wanted to be in the position where she didn’t have to work. SO i figured i would joint the military reserve in order to acquire training in the construction field, come home, get a job making $30+/hr. My wife at that time was in full support of me.
It didn’t work out the way i planned, and was never hired in construction. They wouldn’t hire me to hold a flag.
I was not raised to be lazy or live off of a woman. i was raised to make my own way. Things were not working out. There was pressure from bills needing to be paid, providing for our children, and comments from the in-laws.
The only thing i could think of was, “if i go full time in the military, then i will be able to provide for my family the way a man is suppose to. i signed the papers, and told my wife when i would be leaving and i had to do this to take care of the family.
Her response wasn’t pleasant, and she never explained to me why she was so upset. At this present moment the only thing that comes to mind is that i didn’t include her. I made a decision as a single man, while excluding the fact that i was married. i wasn’t single any more. At this point she was not supportive, and she began to shut me out. Her shutting me out was the worse thing that ever happened to me.
As a male i felt the burden of providing for my family, and i didn’t know any other legal way. i was tired of the temporary jobs, tired of the uncertainty of how long a position would last, and i couldn’t grasp the image of my being a stay at home dad. i couldn’t handle the strange looks, and snickering from those who was calling me lazy and no good; both in my face and behind my back. i felt there was no one to talk to without being criticized.
My chains were:
One can walk out from under having chains draped over them.
All of my chains had several locks on them. The ends were locked together. The chains were locked to each other, and the locks were locked to the locks.
All of this was simply because i decided to make a decision without my wife. i didn’t talk to her about what i was going through, how i felt or what bearing all of this was having on me.
If you can identify with any part of this, then the remedy is simple and the work is hard.
The remedy is simply to talk.
The work is getting past all the thoughts that keep you from talking.
When the silent treatment is used, it is the same thing as shutting a person out. The silent treatment results in a tit-for-tat and no one is talking. This adds additional stress to the marriage. No one knows what the other person is thinking and their imagination is running wild. Since there is no communication to eliminate what isn’t true, then each of their actions begin to based upon their imagination as if what is imagined is true. What else does a person have to go on?
Then thoughts such as:
As long as there’s no communication or the communication is about who is right/wrong, the marriage will eventually end.
Your marriage doesn’t have to end unless one or both people no longer want to be in it.
The answer isn’t infidelity! If you’re not talking in one relationship, then something will eventually trigger your not talking in the next relationship. My experience has shown that when i stopped talking it became my unhealthy way of dealing with stress whether inside or outside the marriage.
The end is in the beginning. The same communication involved with leading up to marriage, is required to sustain/maintain the marriage.
These things occur and have to be dealt with while dating, engaged, at work, with friends, while driving, and more.
As our theme states: “A Better Me, A Better Us”.
Change the relationship you have into the one you want.
Harville Hendrix has illuminated the paths to loving, long-lasting relationships in his New York Times bestsellers Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find. Now, with coauthor and wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, he brings us to a new understanding about one of the most complicated issues facing couples today:
Many men and women know how to give love, but many more undermine their relationships by never having learned how to accept it. We don't always realize the ways in which we reject appreciation and affection, help and guidance from our romantic partners. And, according to Hendrix and Hunt, until we are able to understand the meaning behind our behavior, our relationships stand to suffer. Ask yourself:
Are you reluctant to tell your partner what you really want or need?
When you do get what you've asked for, do you still feel dissatisfied?
Is it difficult for you to accept kind gestures, gifts, or compliments from your partner?
If you answered yes to any of the above, this book is for you. With Receiving Love, you can learn how to break the shackles of self-rejection -- which likely began in childhood, when our caretakers unintentionally failed to nurture us -- and embrace real intimacy. Drawing on their renowned expertise, the wide clinical experience of Imago therapists, and their own personal experience as a married couple, the authors offer detailed, sensitive advice on how to turn a relationship between two well-meaning yet misunderstood individuals into a true, everlasting partnership.
This post has been left blank for the sole purpose of your being able to fill it with any picture you desire of your Fugitive who is at large.
This post serves as an APB (All Points Bulletin) for anyone that may come in contact with the person(s) listed by readers who have shared information below.
Please be aware that the information provided is a report of that individual’s experience with that person at a specific time in their lives; that person may or may have not changed.
In the event that the person reported below is seen then please report your location, any G-rated photos or other details you may have.
Doesn’t answer cellphone
Avoids eye contact
2 minute delivery in the bedroom
These things vary, and not all are present.
Although, the individual is no longer with you there are still some feelings attached, despite the relief currently being experienced.
The next person may be unaware of this person’s tendencies.
You may be the fugitive who is currently reading this.
There is another type of fugitive at large also!
This secondary fugitive is totally unaware that they have done anything wrong at all.
This particular type of fugitive is running scared and the only thing they can think about is getting away.
They have never been a dad or mom before.
They have never been loved before or have the wrong definition of love.
They may have become a people pleaser who has reached their limit.
These things will continue to occur in any relationship or marriage, and may result in divorce as long as there are human beings living upon this earth who do not know how to love them self or others,
Those left behind may feel abandoned, betrayed, cheated, angry and more.
This person may be you.
The Little Blue Pill
How much of an impact does ED have in a relationship?
Is a man who has ED as happy as one who doesn’t have ED?
What impact does it have on sex?
Is the woman who is with a man who has ED happy? How “long” will she stay with him?
“Why spend $18/pill when you can spend $3/pill?
There seem to be no end to the “authoritative” explanations and “guaranteed” easy treatments for erectile dysfunction (ED). Since the so-called Viagra revolution, conventional wisdom holds that the problem can be fixed simply by taking a pill. The truth of the matter is, though, that ED is often a complex condition affected by physical, psychological, and relationship issues—and it’s a problem shared by both a man and his partner. This book is the first ever to address this common problem using a comprehensive biological, psychological, and social approach. It offers a proven-effective program for regaining erectile function, building strong and intimate relationships, and having great sex.
With this book:
This book has been awarded The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies Self-Help Seal of Merit — an award bestowed on outstanding self-help books that are consistent with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles and that incorporate scientifically tested strategies for overcoming mental health difficulties. Used alone or in conjunction with therapy, our books offer powerful tools readers can use to jump-start changes in their lives.
A consumer's guide to safe and effective ways to improve erectile function and overall heart health. Both natural and prescription methods are covered.
With the release of Viagra, erectile dysfunction has become an acceptable topic of advertising and public discussion.Impotence is a widespread phenomenon; about half of couples entering sex therapy and one quarter of those entering marital therapy will complain of this problem. As baby boomers enter their fifties and grow older during the next few decades, many more men will be affected by this problem. In this groundbreaking work, Gerald Weeks and Nancy Gambescia present the first serious discussion of comprehensive psychological and medical treatments for erectile dysfunction after the advent of Viagra.
Though most recently Viagra has catapulted discussion of erectile dysfunction to the front pages of major newspapers and, via television, American living rooms, there are actually a number of different treatment options available. In fact, medical therapies for erectile dysfunction have developed at an ever-increasing pace in the last 20 years. Yet, despite widespread advances made in the treatment of erectile dysfunction, the field of sex therapy has lagged significantly behind in how it addresses the problem.
The authors offer an integrated approach that examines both the organic and psychological factors contributing to erectile dysfunction. With this treatment model integrating both medical and psychological therapies, the authors also stress the role of the couple's relationship in the etiology and treatment of the dysfunction. The book presents medical information (about various kinds of drugs as well as other interventions); physiological information (why certain drugs work and why some don't); psychological information (the effects of the disorder on both the individual and the couple); and practical information (when and how to seek treatment and what type of treatment works best under different conditions).
For sex and couple therapists and physicians, Erectile Dysfunction presents a systematic method for evaluating erectile dysfunction, determining whether its basis is primarily organic or psychogenic, and treating it by integrating medical interventions with sex and marital therapy. For the person seeking treatment (and for his spouse), the book offers a thorough and impartial discussion of the disorder.
This Clinical Resource Tool is structured around consensus statements developed by the BPH-LUTS±ED Expert Working Group, a panel of primary care physicians and urologists with expertise in the multidimensional care of patients with LUTS and sexual dysfunction. Using a modified Delphi process, the experts consolidated published evidence and expert clinical experience on critical issues involving salient phenomenology, comprehensive assessment and diagnosis, and formulation of appropriate initial and ongoing interdisciplinary care for patients with BPH-LUTS±ED. The consensus statements and accompanying resources are intended as a practical companion to current guidelines, to help clinicians individualize best-practice care for this heterogeneous patient population.
Romance (from Marriage Matters 2 Me on Facebook 10/1/13)
Everyone has an idea of what love and romance is, what it looks like, how it feels, etc. Sometimes it may seem so far away that it’s up in the clouds.
It’s my aim to help bring some part of it out of the clouds and into your life.
Take the time to write down your description of romance:
The answer to these questions form your definition of Romance.
In the process of answering these questions in light of our experiences, we have developed some preferences. There is nothing wrong with having preferences, except when those preferences cause us more harm than good.
How can that happen? I’m glad you asked. There are a few instances when i have been uncompromising on my preferences that i have completely missed out. i have denied myself, on many occasions, of what i desired because it didn’t exactly match my all of my preferences.
If two people each wit on the other to be romantic first, then both people will go without romance. This will last until one of them decides to go first, or they seek romance somewhere else.
Keys to Unlocking Romance in your relationship:
Do you only want a single moment of romance in your life, or a life filled with romance?
The greatest sexual pleasure in a person's lifetime is possible in one's middle and later years, asserts Dr. David Schnarch, when a mature sense of self has been achieved and genuine intimacy is possible with another person. At his Family Health Center in Colorado Dr. Schnarch works with couples in long-term committed relationships who want to get emotionally and sexually closer. In Passionate Marriage Dr. Schnarch shares what he has learned about how couples can--and must--simultaneously break through the sexual and the emotional blocks that hold them back from total satisfaction. He counsels that every sexual exchange, from kissing to daring erotic behaviors, is a picture of an entire relationship--a reflection of how you and your partner feel about yourselves and each other outside the bedroom. This respectful, erotic, uplifting, and spiritual guide to sexual and emotional fulfillment makes a passionate marriage within the reach of every couple.
It’s not a competition.
While each person is waiting on the other person to be/go first, both are going without.
This is the next biggest thing to giving one the silent treatment. This waiting period is a period of starvation that is an express route to infidelity.
For the guys: when a man does something first and without being prompted it is translated by women as being genuine.
Being first, and seeing who can love/surprise the other the most may add the spark to your marriage that you’ve been hoping/looking for.
Marriage is Like a Three Legged Race
A three legged race requires the coordinated effort of two people.
Two right legs joined together has them facing in opposites direction.
Agreement is essential to the decision as to which legs will be joined, which leg you start with, the pace of movement, length of stride, and more.
If one asserts control, both will soon fall.
Why is it easier to participate in a three legged race than it is to be married?
As crazy as it may sound, if you want your marriage to improve then regularly take “Three Legged Walks”.
Which matters most to both of you:
As a family grows, the number of legs in the race grows by one leg. If one does not race well with their family, then this transfers to their employment where it may be a 31 – legged race, which is depicted in this video
What kind of results have you had from taking Three Legged Walks?
Please share any videos you have taken from your walks.
Is there a Hole in Your Relationship?
This is a very good video clip, that actually applies to men as well.
Men worry about the same things. One of our concerns is that if women knew what we didn’t want them to know about us, then our woman would think less of us or not want us any more.
Men want to be wanted just as much as women do, if not more. For a man ‘being wanted’ is intertwined with our ego. Being wanted by a woman who is loyal will make her man fight the world.
The most important thing said in this video is that when a person has a hole in their life, they are the only one who can fill it. Some would say their faith or love can fill it. The only problem in that instance is that one may seek more of a replacement that fills in the hole, instead of becoming whole.
What do you think?
Is Your Relationship on Crutches?
It doesn’t matter if you’re dating, engaged, married, thinking about divorce, going through divorce, or already divorced; more than likely you have or have had as many crutches or more in your relationships.
It may sound judgmental, except i willingly confess that i include myself also. The only difference is that i’m ridding myself of my crutches, and admit that i still have a couple.
If you have ever been hurt in any way in the past, and are making sure it doesn’t happen in your current relationship, then your current relationship is on crutches.
If you have lost your job in the past, for whatever reason, and you’re worried about losing your current job; your current job is on crutches.
If you’ve been lied to before and you’re doing everything you can to make sure it doesn’t happen again, then that relationship is on crutches.
By now, i hope we are on the same page.
How many crutches are your relationships on? at work? with family? with spouse? with children? in business? at church? faith?
Before i became aware of what I’m sharing with you, i thought i was really protecting myself; you know self-preservation. No one likes being hurt or taken advantage of, at least i don’t.
When i thought i was protecting myself, i was actually functioning from a point of weakness and fear. My fear of being hurt again drove me more than my desire for a healthy relationship, which is a weakness in the sense of it disabling me from loving freely/unconditionally.
then one must remove their fears from their relationships. Our fears are from the past, taking up space like a freeloader in our current relationships.
How long would you actually allow a freeloader to live off of you? Then why are you allowing your fears to do the same, and thus cause your current relationships to be on crutches?
Part of challenging fears involves becoming vulnerable by acknowledging them to the person you’re with. Just pay attention to their response and go from there.
How beneficial is it to be in a relationship that you are more afraid of being in than you are happy about being in? Since a relationship involves more than one person, it’s important that both people be on the same page. When the people in a relationship are on different pages then that relationship is developmentally deformed or retarded.
We as individuals are responsible for ourselves. a person without cancer cannot hug, kiss or love a person with cancer in order for that person to no longer have cancer. Likewise, a person with few or no relationship crutches is able to be in a relationship with a person that has a lot of crutches and that person no longer have crutches. There are some rare exceptions, however it isn’t typical.
This leads to the motto/theme of Marriage Matters 2 Me: “A better me, a better us“.
A healthy relationship begins with a healthy person. While everyone isn’t perfectly healthy, we can become better.